WHERE'D I PUT MY GODDESS?

I haven’t tended this site in…years. Where DID I put my Goddess!?

At the time I started it, I was heavily in the throws of a massive shadow unearthing, catalyzed by what I can now concisely and confidently identify as emotionally abusive relationships.

In one of my last entries, I was in the early process of pursuing a degree in counseling psychology, which I eventually opted not to do. I am still unsure of my decision. I went out to Pacifica for the first weekend of study in the program and I could not have fallen more deeply in love. But I was uncertain. I had a profound dream (that I will share in a separate post) that I am still analyzing. There is no clear answer. It is always both.

Since that time, I have healed and woven myself back together tremendously. I have softened. I am less braced. My anger, when it arises now, isn’t as blind. My boundaries are far more clear. I trust my instincts. I honor them. I know when I am dealing with shadow—mine and others’. I know what love feels like. I know how much of what I was told was love was, was not. It was manipulation, neediness, rejection, fear, blame, gaslighting and narcissistic mind games. As Chuck Spezzano always said, love doesn’t hurt. It’s all the other stuff that does. Sometimes it aches in it’s fullness and mystery, but it doesn’t hurt.

I’ve had two wonderful, healing romantic relationships, one of which I am in now and I intend it to be my last. I have suffered profound loss. A dear old friend and lover who was the closest incarnation to my animus I’ll ever encounter, died in the course of an addiction binge. My beloved cat of 18 years, my familiar, an extension of my soul, died. A beautiful relationship ended as I was being called for something else. And, most profoundly, my Mother died, quickly and chaotically from a rare and aggressive sarcoma (soft tissue cancer). Really it was the chemo that shut her body down, but we were very much in a check mate with her cancer. Since her death, the psychosis of her husband at the time was unleashed upon my brother and I and, rather than simply grieve the profound loss of her in peace, we’ve been navigating a hideous nightmare of selfishness, cruelty, manipulation, gaslighting, stonewalling, withholding, thievery and really just pure evil. I call him The Destroyer.

It’s a lot to process. Has been a lot to process. I will be sharing that process here. Hopefully my experience can shed some light on whatever you might be going through.